[2-25-24] Anxiety Beatdown

Is it gaslighting if I tell myself that I'm actually fine and healthy?

So for a while now, like Months actually. I have been dealing with this one really cool this called "Hypochondria" or well, for what I see it as anyways. Now before this all hit me, Beforehand I felt mostly fine when it came to these anxieties. Back then I was always kinda paranoid about my Heart but never to an extend to where I am about my entire fucking body. It all started months ago with my belly, Now I tend to be fat so I'm quite lumpy all around my body but not really that noticable that I am fat. I guess I'm just regular fat or something idk. I kept messing with my self and thought I had a bump or something on my right side, However it honestly acts very weird compared to something that could actually be there because it also kept dissapearing shortly messing around that area. Wasn't until later I found out that bad is lumpy and can move around and all that, Calmed me down for a moment. Then I proceed to get paranoid about my arms, more specifically to my wrist and hand, But to my digress it was just my wein as it kinda looked a bit weird. Then last month, It was my neck. Now I'm just getting past this point and it took me so long because when I mess with my neck, that feeling keeps lingering for a while, It's something I dealt with all my life and I don't know if everyone goes through that but according to those around me, It's a yes. However, even finally getting around to defeating that, It ended up being paranoid about my liver which is the part I'm currently on, or hope it's a short time considering that I'm just coming to a realization that "THIS IS FUCKING STUPID". Anything I feel has been a thing I have delt with in my entire life. The reason why I often feel pain is the fat creases my body makes by scrungled at my computer or driving around. Even checking certain things that I will not go into detail looks the same and looks normal. But it's this fat on my body that's causing it all the paranoia to me and I hate it. Would I care about my looks? No, I personally wouldn't care if I was this fat, But because my body is constantly feeling this pain in some of the areas, it's becoming unbareable to me. I mean, It always has but these days even more so than ever before. The real issue, Being my fat and my anxiety and that today is a day where I'm am just so done with it.

I HATE THE BIGTECH-CHRIST, I HATE THE BIGTCH-CHRIST, I HATE THE BIGTECH-CHRIST, I HATE THE BIGTECH-CHRIST

Come out, we need your data

Alright, I have turned towards being at Defcon 1 now with it all. I started to abandon some places and dropped hints of where to contact me if you wanna talk to me. Mainly using XMPP and Fediverse for contact stuff. I just fucking hate dealing with all these big sites anymore and honestly the rabbit hole goes deeper than just that. Which recently if you checked my page you would know that in my about section I have 2 new contact information things you can use to contact me. I am around 24/7 practically, well almost, I still need to sleep and all that and go do my job. But anyways, You get the point. You just can't have anything that just works anymore without them trying to add things to make the user experience exciting. I get why, But I prefer being as plain jane as possible with my stuff and there's no telling how scummy these companies would be towards it's userbase in the future. It's almost like people are Frogs in a boiling pot of water and it continue to just get so much worse with time. I'm tired of it.

Doordash is probably not the best job to do

For the past 2 months now I have practically been jobless and relying on Doordash to generate income, I have been experimenting and stuff but it seems like I have kinda screwed myself a bit over since I have not been doing 40 hour weeks but at most like 20 hours because of one thing or another. I kinda suck at being consistant. BUT, I have been on a proper job search and I have found a place that maybe really damn good for me since they pay nearly 22$ an hour and even more depending on how many years you been using it. I applied it late at night on a friday and it's been the weekend so I'm hoping I can get a call sometime tommorow or later in the week. It fits all of my criteria well and they need workers stat apparently. So here's the best of luck to that

Anyways, this has been my weekly blog update. We have been on a roll with it so far and I hope that I can continue it. See you all next time